Holiday Depression

I don’t understand why we have to make such a big deal about the holidays, specifically Thanksgiving through New Year's (and even Halloween for some). Statistically the rate of depression and depression-related suicide increases dramatically during this period and is not seen during any other holiday.

The common denominator in all of these holidays is family. Individuals at risk of emotional upset are those with little to no family or families with dysfunctional dynamics.

I used to pack up the kids, put the dogs in kennels, and fly half-way across the country to be with family during the holidays. Not only was it expensive and exhausting; it was also very stressful. My sisters would argue over food preparation, my father would sit back and watch the fireworks with a bizarre sense of enjoyment. I would try to blend in with the wallpaper but would eventually get right in the middle of the chaos, trying to defend my right to an opinion.

In addition to my dysfunctional family dynamics was the added stress of dividing time between my family and my husband’s family. It didn’t matter how hard we tried; our efforts were rarely appreciated. Someone was going to be offended by the length of our visit or the choice of who was visited first (even though we try to make it fair by alternating each year).

And of course there were the choice of gifts. Not one holiday would go by where an argument would erupt over the choice or cost of a gift. It felt as if the focus of the holiday was the gift and not the fact that we were all together. Sometimes the astonishment was justified—as in the quirky family member who always recycled gifts, or wrap up her used items that she didn’t want anymore. One time she gave my then three-year-old daughter a ski jacket that was a woman’s size 4 and obviously worn. When I asked her about it, she responded with great indignation, “It was an expensive jacket; she will grow into it!”

We are expected to be cheerful and festive, but not everyone feels like they have anything to be cheerful or festive about. The holiday season is especially painful for me because I lost my mother when I was a young child. Sometimes it feels as if she died just yesterday, and yet it has been over 30 years. I look at others who have happy and harmonious large extended families, and I admit it: I feel envious and sad.

When I find myself getting depressed, I think about the family I have created: my three beautiful, amazing, and good-natured children; my best friend and handsome husband; the friendship and healthy relationship that I have with my ex-husband; and my circle of childhood friends. I am so fortunate, and sometimes I forget that.

You can choose to be happy or you can choose to be miserable. It really is something that we all can control. Life happens—good, bad, and indifferent. We can choose how we handle the bumps in the road of life. But there will always be someone who actually thrives on being miserable and misery loves company. As humans we have the ability to use our higher mental processes to analyze and reason, although some use those gifts better than others. So for example, one can choose to get upset and depressed because their neighbors have more money than they do and give extravagant gifts. Or we can put it all into perspective. Gift-giving should be a small part of the holiday season.

It saddens me that so many of us have lost the true meaning of the holiday season. Thanksgiving has a great historical significance as it was first introduced by this country’s first settlers (Pilgrims) and the Native American Indians. Christmas is a time that profoundly affects the entire world. It is a day that many religions share in celebrating the essence of life. It is a time when households come together to rejoin in family and friends and to lend a helping hand to those less fortunate. This should happen all year round, but that is a topic for another article.

My husband and I try to encourage our children to focus on the many blessings we have and not on the many gifts they would like (and often do) receive. We have had a rough 2008: I continued to struggle with health-related problems, and my husband’s post-divorce struggles came to a very expensive and emotional conclusion. Life can be difficult! But then all of a sudden, things turn around and we have a period of extraordinary and wonderful events. That is how life is; some days are better than others. Let’s hope that in the end, the wonderful experiences will out-number the negative ones.

Take solace in knowing that this holiday season, too, shall pass. The New Year will come and before you know it, the holidays will be upon us again, and will pass again. The in-laws (or you) will be safely en-route home. Miraculously, on January 2nd all will seem quiet and back to normal.

I watch a lot of comedies during the holidays, and I surround myself with people who are positive and make me feel good about myself. It also doesn’t hurt if they have a great sense of humor!

Instead of being down and hard on yourself because you don’t have what you think you should have, focus on what you do have. Make your experiences positive. You can’t change what you can’t control, so change what you can control: YOU!

To my readers:

I wish you a very happy and healthy new year. I thank you for reading my column, for the emails, and for the stories. I have been writing for Naturally Savvy since its inception and I have enjoyed every minute of it!

In health and wellness,
Dr. Linda Mundorff