When we are afraid, we want to control. When the airplane experiences turbulence, we grip the armrests… as if we could stop the jet from bouncing!
Just like parenting.
What is your core belief about children?
Do you perceive them as “little devils,” “little rascals,” “a handful,” “up to no good,” “spoiled,” “giving you a run for your money”?
Are you afraid that your baby, toddler, pre-school or older child will drain you, run you ragged and off the road, rock your boat, or turn your world upside down if you “let them”?
Do you worry that children will become “wild” unless you “tighten the reins?”
Do you find yourself feeling depleted, resentful, intimidated, or even humiliated by your children’s behavior, reactions, emotions, and needs?
If we secretly (or not so secretly) think children are inherently mischievous, manipulative, demanding, exhausting little people who require adults to keep them under control or all hell will break loose, then we unconsciously parent with fear.
Little people get under our skin more easily. We perceive injustice more quickly, and can’t shake off perceived offenses. We are quick to judge: That’s not nice! To snap: What did I just say?! To retaliate: No TV for a week!
We buck at the first sign of fine whine.
We react negatively to our child’s perceived “bad behavior,” which then makes us feel bad about ourselves as parents and people. Then we play hot potato with our guilt and shame lobbing them onto our children, or we overcompensate by making it up to them so they “like” us again. Perhaps we rationalize that they “deserved” what they got.
On our one and only parenting journey, we are on guard, which makes it easy to anticipate potential problems and overreact when they actually occur. When parenting defensively, we fuel more defenses in ourselves and breed defensive children.
It’s not my fault! He did it!
Why are you always on me?
That’s not fair!
We’re not enjoying the ride when we are white-knuckling the wheel, trying to avoid the bumps. The uncanny irony of it all is we bring about the very things we loathe and fear!
So the ride gets bumpier, and we get grumpier.
Life slips by, and our children, too.
Author and spiritual teacher Byron Katie wrote about how her children’s dirty socks strewn over the floor were enough to throw her into a deep depression. All she could focus on was those socks. Socks were everywhere. Socks were blocking her path, her life, and her breath.
When we perceive our sense of competence is being tested, we parent with a short fuse and a long memory.
Crouched in the foxhole, we demand obedience. We coerce our children into doing what we want with ultimatums, punishments and incentive plans. We love and accept them conditionally, on our terms only.
During one of my foxhole epiphanies down there in the cold dark muck, it occurred to me that, when fear is absent, we don’t seek control. Instead, we naturally seek connection.
If we believe children are intuitive, wise souls, our best teachers guiding us to become the parent they need, then we will parent with heart instead of hurt; with compassion instead of control; with humility instead of humiliation; empathy instead of ego; and with an acute awareness of their motivations, and our own.
We trade stern obedience for mutual co-operation; control for connection; judgment for gratitude; and an exasperated ahh for an inspired awe.
With fear out of the equation, we see beyond the surface issues of right and wrong. We can focus on a child’s motivations, the real reasons behind his behaviors and actions. Along the way, we recognize and nurture the child’s authentic self, as we connect with our own.
If we use our fear as a navigational tool, we can follow back to the place where it began to take root in us. When we follow our fear, we discover the wounded heart behind it. Then we can begin to empathize with our own past disappointment and childhood traumas, and gradually parent ourselves through our own healing. This process of dismantling our defenses is a lifelong gift to both our children and their future families.
We are able to love and accept our children as they are when we no longer have the need to protect ourselves from blame, shame and the disapproval of others.
Parenting without this baggage is traveling light for us, and our children!
