Simple Fixes for Bad Behaviors

Q: I don't think I'm much different from many moms out there. I struggle with staying calm when my kids push my buttons. I yell, threaten, over explain and often dole out punishments. Can you help me be more patient?

A: Staying calm and being more patient is one of the biggest challenges my clients face. You're not alone.

Here are some tips for helping you change your approach:

Yelling or Shouting

When parents resort to raising their voices, it's likely they're in the middle of a power struggle. Change your approach and decide to take a time out to calm down. Go to the bathroom and lock the door. Get into the tub (yes with your clothes on) stretch out and take several deep breaths. Make sure you're putting air into your diaphragm, not just your lungs. Feel your body begin to relax. After several slow deep breaths (it may take five to fifteen minutes to calm yourself) go back to your child and tackle the situation. If your child has not cleaned up his dishes from the family room calmly ask a coaching question: "What is the rule about leaving dirty dishes in the family room?" He knows the answer. Wait until he gives it. Then say: "Take care of them please." Hold your ground and wait. If he complains or gives you back talk remain calm and do not get sucked into arguing back even if his attitude makes you crazy. Once he picks up the dishes give a simple "Thank you." While this may feel counter intuitive, parents who model respect will find that their children (over time) will too.

Threatening

Rather than using threats to get your kid to be more cooperative, put a consequence in place. It should be connected to the misbehavior, be respectful and reasonable. For example, the child who neglects to tidy up her toys will find the toys are put away for a day. Children need to learn that the privilege of having toys goes hand in hand with the responsibility of putting the away. When implementing this type of consequence make it clear what your intentions are. Say, "If you can't tidy up your toys, then I will put them away. I will bring them out again tomorrow and you can try being responsible for tidying them up then." Keep the message simple and if your child argues do not yield. Remain firm but kind. Repeat your message in a simple clear manner: "We'll try again tomorrow." This response lets your child know that you mean business and that there is hope in the future for getting it right.

Explain Why

This is a tough one for some parents to correct. In their efforts to be fair, parents often explain why the child needs to be cooperative (this is particularly true of parents with young kids). The difficulty is that the child is likely in an uncooperative frame of mind and this is not an optimum learning moment. Children can be self-centered, so explaining doesn't always help manage or stop misbehavior. Instead, give your child a choice: "You can clean up your toys with my help right now or by yourself in three minutes. Which will it be?" Notice that the choice was how the child gets to tidy his toys not if he wants to. Should he decide to take neither option then a consequence (removal) kicks in. This type of cause and effect response accelerates his learning far more quickly than an explanation. Remember to remain firm but kind.

Reactive Punishments

The key to positive discipline lies with a learning framework. Teaching your child appropriate behavior is your goal. A simple but effective technique to help modify a child's misbehavior is called 'rewinding.' It's a correction tool that gives the child a second chance. Instead of scolding or punishing, ask your child to rewind what they just did and have them try again with a corrected version. This strategy works well in situations where you know your child knows the right path.