Kids Should Sleep on Their Own

Q: I've recently separated from my wife. I'm living in a one-bedroom apartment and my two-year-old daughter sleeps with me because she is afraid to be alone in the bed when I sleep on the couch. What's your view on my comforting her this way?

A: It's very common that parents and children suffering from the dislocation of divorce find comfort in each other by sleeping together at night. Parents find that their children are lonely or even frightened especially if dad has new, strange digs. However, research has shown that in most cases these feelings are often rationalizations on the parents' part because they have an unconscious desire to feel close their child. It also helps them to feel less lost or isolated.

In his book Growing Up With Divorce, Dr. Neil Kalter warns parents that even though a child may enjoy such sleeping arrangements, that it can be emotionally costly. When a child can sleep apart from a parent she acquires a sense of independence and competence.

However, when parents and children share the same bed or even bedroom, the parent can send a message of non-confidence in the child's abilities to be on her own, and can affect feelings of independence in school and with friends.

As well, for some children sharing close sleeping arrangements with the parent of the opposite sex may also be inadvertently exciting, even if there is no sexual activity. This kind of excitement has a "forbidden quality to it and can provoke intense feelings of guilt and shame. Children who regularly sleep with or near a parent often seem to feel more conflicted with that parent, almost as if they have to make up for the closeness at night by being distant or uncooperative during the day," Kalter writes.

It is understandable that the early days of separation and divorce are stressful for all parties. However, when a parent can manage these pressures without abandoning their responsibilities as grown-ups, then children fare much better.