Good Answers to Tough Questions

There is so much in the media that that makes kids believe that the world is a scary place. Whether it's reports on tornadoes or a shooting spree at a school, children can be easily shaken by these frightening events. And parents can feel overwhelmed when kids ask tough questions that speak to those fears such as "Are we safe at school?" or "Do we live in a tornado zone?"

Dr. Paul Coleman, in his book How to Say It to Your Child When Bad Things Happen, advises parents on how to find good answers to tough questions. He suggests that you begin by not brushing off a child's worries. They hear many of these stories and are likely talking about them with their friends and classmates. You must talk to them about these events in a way that they can understand.  Let them know that you are there to talk to them. Your agenda is to help them feel safe and trust that the world is a relatively good place to be in,  The remedy for fear is trust. So, the more they can trust you, the less frightened they will be.  And while it's true that the world can be cold and harsh at times, it is also warm, loving and thoughtful.  Unfortunately, sometimes well intentioned parents can believe that if they discuss these topics with their kids, it will overwhelm them.  They key here is to communicate effectively so that their concerns can be managed.

Dr, Coleman uses the following method to help parents learn 'how to say it'.

Search:  Search for your child's hidden concerns by gently probing..."You seem worried about those families you saw on TV whose homes were lost? Do you worry that the same things could happen to us?"

Feel feelings:  Let your children know that their feelings are normal.  Avoid dismissing them by saying they don't need to worry or cry.  Don't make the child feel that expressing his fears is the wrong thing to do.  You want your child to know that an emotional reaction is OK and that they can come to you when they feel troubled.

Ease minds:  Let your children know that you have their backs.  "I wouldn't let you go to school if I thought you were in danger."  or "I believe our family is safe from tornadoes because they don't come to our part of the country."

Feel and express your feelings:  While you don't want to overwhelm children with anxiety in the name of being 'open and honest', it's OK to let your child know that you too share their concerns.  However, it should be coupled with more reassurance.  Keep it brief and simple.  "Yes I too worry about some of the things I see on TV but I'm not worried about your safety.  If I was worried, you can be sure that I would do everything to protect you."

Don't lecture:  Lengthy explanations are not necessary and are often a sign that the parent isn't really listening effectively.  Kids just want to be reassured that their world is in order.

Don't presume to have all the answers: If your child asks a question like "What is the principal doing to make sure my school is safe?" and you don't know what to say, be honest.  "I don't know, but I'll find out."

Initiate a discussion: Help your child to discuss a scary event.  Encourage thoughts and feelings. "Tell me more,"  "What else."  "What are your friends saying."  "What worries do you have?"  This helps you probe for any underlying concerns that your child may not be exhibiting, without being pushy.

As parents, we cannot protect our children from things they read or hear about in the media, but we can help them to feel safe and secure when we take a more thoughtful approach with them.  While it's true we cannot protect them 100% of the time, we can help them to manage their anxieties so that they do not become paralyzed by them.

Mini Presentations for Parents
Many parents are involved with other parents through work, school or community involvement.  Consider inviting a guest speaker to your next Lunch'n'Learn, Parent Council or general meeting.  I offer mini-presentations of 20-30 minutes.  Here are two very popular topics:  The Dangers of Too Much Praise and Getting Rid of Whining.
Email me at theparentingcoach@sympatico.ca to inquire about fees and availability.  Or Phone: 416-233-8188.